Jokes

[Shades40]

Husband says to his wife "My olympic condoms have arrived, I think I'll wear gold tonight"
Wife says "Why don't you wear silver and come fucking second for a change"

How many animals can you fit into a pair of tights? 2 calfs, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, countless hares, ocassional cock and 1 dead fish no fucker can find.

[Jim]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... my wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

[Shades40]

Jasus lol

[Harry]

Paddy has been sacked by the U.S government for refusing to repair the electric chair. paddy said " i'm not working on that, its a fucking death trap "

[Harry]

Two nuns walking down an alley and are attacked and raped by two men. One nun says " oh god forgive this man for he knows not what he does ", the other nun says " ooooooohhhhhh God, this fucker does"

[earl]

How do you kill a circus?




Go straight for the juggler!

[earl]

Two young guys were discussing the upcoming wedding. The groom to be says to his friend "I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not".

His buddy replied, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel." He continued, "You paint one ball red, and one ball blue. Then, on your honeymoon, if she laughs and says, 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' - You hit her with the shovel."

[earl]

The Drug Store
A man was in a long queue at his local Boots store. As he got to the checkout he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the checkout.
She asked, "What size condoms?" The man replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.

She reached over the checkout, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One packet of large condoms to checkout 5."

The man behind thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When it was his turn at the checkout, he told the checkout girl that he too had forgotten to get some condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the checkout.

She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers, which he did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said "One packet of medium condoms to checkout 5."

A few customers back was a teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the checkout he told her he too needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers, which he did.

She reached over the checkout, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said................

"Mop and bucket to checkout 5."

[Wasp]

The three paddies were part of a police line up accused of rape.

When the victim walked into the room Paddy Irishman shouted "THAT'S HER"

[bearhunter]

Woman walks into a copshop: "Help me, I've been graped."
"Don't you mean raped?"
"Well there was a bunch of them."

[earl]

The Miracle Of Toilet Paper* *


Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror, complaining to my

husband that my breasts are too small.* *

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he

uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your

Breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it

between your breasts for a few seconds."* *



Puzzled but willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and

stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long

will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years,"

he replies.



Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts

every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a

beat he says, "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"

[earl]

Son asked his mother the following question:
>
>
>
> "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and
>
> replies,
>
>
>
> "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
>
>
>
> The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his
> father.
>
>
> "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
>
>
>
> The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
>
>
>
>
>
> "Son, all household appliances come in white."
>

[earl]

A German visits a prostitute and says, 'I vish to buy sex vit you. I must varn you: I am a little kinky.'

The prostitute says, 'No problem.'

So off they go to the prostitute's flat, where the German produces four
large bedsprings and a duck call.

He says, 'I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.'

The prostitute finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs to
her hands and knees.

He says, 'Now you vill get on your hands unt knees.'

She obeys, balancing on the springs.

He says, 'You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you.'

She thinks this weird but it seems harmless and after all, the German is
paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic
German, all the time honking on the duck call.

The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced, and
it's several minutes before she's recovered her breath sufficiently to say,
'That was amazing. What do you call that?'







The German says, 'Four sprung duck technique!!'

[leeside]

;D ;D ;D @ earl joke


A guy shags a $10 hooker and ends up getting crabs.

Disgusted, he heads back to the hooker to complain....

"you dirty whore, you gave me crabs"!!

"but what did you expect for $10" asks the hooker defiantly

.........."lobster"!!

[leeside]

Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty