Jokes

[tp]

;D ;D ;D ;D

[Jim]

Whats the difference between a hare and a rabbit?

You can pull a hare out of your arse but you can't pull a rabbit.

[leeside]

This is the best example of tenacity displayed by a pupil in recent times!



Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have
a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have
Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'

Little Paddy thinks, 'Whoo hooo! I'm bleedin' deadly at General Knowledge.
This is gonna be sooo easy! '
Teacher: 'Right class, who can tell me who said. "Don't ask what our country
can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"
Little Paddy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking
round picks Farqhuar-Fauntleroy at the front. "Yes, Farqhuar?"
Farqhuar (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy –
inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Farquhar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will
see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Little Paddy is even more determined.

Teacher: 'Who said."We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them
in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?"

Little Paddy's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I
know. Me Miss, me Miss!" Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe,
sitting at the front: "Yes Tarquin?"

Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is
Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come
back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Little Paddy is hyper, he's been
studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: '"Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'"

Little Paddy's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat,
jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss,
me miss, meeeeee "

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes
Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English
accent): "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon landing."

Teacher: '"Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come
back into class on Tuesday."

Little Paddy loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee
chair at the wall. He starts screaming "WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE
ENGLISH B*ST*RDS COME FROM?"

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: "Who said that?"

Little Paddy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Patrick Pearse,
GPO, 1916. See ye on Tuesday Miss."

[earl]

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to
death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get
the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But
eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind
of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you
die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my
wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home
unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone,
knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there,
either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there
either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got
there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still
be alive."

[Wasp]

Paddy and Murphy's wives were coming home from a night out and stopped in a graveyard for a pee. Paddy's wife took off her knickers to wipe herself and Murphy's wife used an old wreath.

Next day in the pub Paddy says 'I will have to keep an eye on that wife of mine, she came home last night with no knickers on'

Murphy replied 'fuck sake paddy you think that's bad my wife came home with a card stuck in her arse cheeks saying we'l never forget you from all the boys at the fire station'

[earl]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed . 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[earl]

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in las vegas , but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.









This is done by the chip monks...!.

[Jim]

............................................
Get your coat on the way out earl.... ;D

[He_Who_Walks_in_The_Wilderness]

Whats the difference between God and bono?
God does not walk around dublin thinking he is bono

[Blue Angel]

god can write better lyrics too...

[Wasp]

halflife said:

Whats the difference between God and bono?
God does not walk around dublin thinking he is bono

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

A group of republicans waiting for a bus to a protest rally were knocked down by a Tesco delivery lorry, apparently the bus reversed back over them again.

Tescos everylittle helps.

;D ;D ;D

[leeside]

Brilliant, WASP!!!!

How about this one............................

A group of Loyalists waiting for a bus to a protest rally were knocked down by a Tesco delivery lorry, apparently the bus reversed back over them again and again and again and again and again. Making sure all the stupid cunts were dead!!!

Tesco, every little helps.


Hilarious or what??!!

[Blue Angel]

leeside nahhhh it wasn't as funny as the original - i don't know it just lacked the panache and chutzpah of the first version ..

[Wasp]

leeside said:

Brilliant, WASP!!!!

How about this one............................

A group of Loyalists waiting for a bus to a protest rally were knocked down by a Tesco delivery lorry, apparently the bus reversed back over them again and again and again and again and again. Making sure all the stupid cunts were dead!!!

Tesco, every little helps.


Hilarious or what??!!

Ah leeside it would have been alot funnier if I hadn't have posted my joke first. Stop being so so touchy, have you no sense of humour at all or do you take everything so serious??

[leeside]

wasp said:

leeside said:

Brilliant, WASP!!!!

How about this one............................

A group of Loyalists waiting for a bus to a protest rally were knocked down by a Tesco delivery lorry, apparently the bus reversed back over them again and again and again and again and again. Making sure all the stupid cunts were dead!!!

Tesco, every little helps.


Hilarious or what??!!

Ah leeside it would have been alot funnier if I hadn't have posted my joke first. Stop being so so touchy, have you no sense of humour at all or do you take everything so serious??

I disagree....both shit 'jokes' and terribly bad taste on your part considering the objective of the site it was written on. I'm sure it would much better received on somewhere like Calton where wishing and joking at the deaths of one section of a community seem to be the order of the day.

I actually have a good sense of humour. Just look at my avatar ;D
Your 'joke' however was not what I would consider humorous. More stupid and provocative than anything else.

Maybe I did over-react though.............